Monday, 27 July 2015

Turning over a new leaf...?

Turning over a new leaf...? 
I don't know what it is, but it seems as if I've had some sort of moment of...I don't know...clarity? I mean one moment I was just sitting there obviously procrastinating and I just suddenly felt withering. Like I had the urge to do something with myself, something productive, to stop putting off everything and start doing things NOW. It was like a sudden motivation of sort, I wanted to fix up and be different. Even though I sat doing nothing major all this time I felt tired...tired of sitting on my ass all day. How can I be tired when I didn't do anything at all?? So I think my mind hit a wall of some sort and just took a step back to realise that I wasn't satisfied. Even the thought of if I was to be gone in a second, if something occurred and I was asked "Are you satisfied with your life and what you've achieved?" what would my response be? I mean I ask myself "what have I ACHIEVED?". It's kind of sad to think of it really as I think that I haven't lived life to the full of its potential. Yes I am only 17 going onto 18 soon, but you never know when these things happen you know...I felt to do something with myself, and start immediately!
So the first thing I did was set up a fresh new calendar starting SEPTEMBER 2016. Since that it the start of a new (academic) year. In September, I start year 13, my last year of sixth form before Uni. Oh gosh...University!!It seemed like years away yet I am left with only one, and zero ideas of where I want to go. Obviously overwhelmed and haunted by the constant UCAS reminders. As well as this I start a new Saturday job for a year. Work with primary kids in the polish school I used to attend. A petty job paying probably £5/hour though I'm not yet certain on the wages. (You'd think THAT would be my priority). What else? Well I've set myself some goals for the month of September. Those of which include;
Read at least 3 books
Start a journal
Walk to school for a week (Oh yes that healthy lifestyle right here haha)
Possibly get a DLSR Camera
Get a Record player and some Vinyl albums (Oh my growing love for Vinyl <3 )
Restart YouTube
Well...I'm not quite sure how this will go but hell at least the thought is there right. Back to my moment of procrastination and the watershed clarification. The last point on that list got me thinking. I really love YouTube I spend most of my time watching videos, listening to playlists, getting "educated"...I can honestly say it's a passion of mine. I started YouTube before but mainly as a singing channel. Yet I think since then I've changed quite a bit and my interests have broadened and I'd like to rediscover myself in YouTube. Soooo... I deleted ALL of my old videos...a fresh start I believe. I hope that didn't affect anyone personally or anything. I mean I was and still am thankful for those who actually subscribed to me before (yes all 18 of you). It was something that gave me joy but now I've changed and I think my channel should grow with me, is that weird?? I remade a logo, kept the backdrop and created an Outro of some sort. It's slowly but surely unravelling. When I started this felt determined and happy. Something I haven't felt in a while but it worked, and all I needed was myself, my own will power. It really does sound funny but it really worked. To top that off look at me now, I'm typing this all up. Could this be a sign of my blog coming back? I don't know yet, I'm just typing this in my notes which is weird. It's weird because even though this isn't aimed at anyone in particular, and I know for a fact no one but me is reading this right now because I'm still typing, I feel like I'm talking to someone. Maybe I will post this who knows? I just hope that all this isn't a onetime thing...I don't want to give up this motivation so easily. Let's hope it lasts, at least a while.

Thursday, 7 August 2014


NCS...National Citizen Service, otherwise known as the challenge; or what I prefer to call New Close Squad. (Not really!). It's been a matter of days, since I've met most of these people... 9 to be precise... But I'd grown rather fond of them. It's unusual as actually I actually can't imagine  my life without them (
most of them ). They've helped me laugh, smile, express myself but most importantly they opened my eyes to reality... 

There was a task. After the magnificent "speak out" lecture/ workshop we were challenged. ( which was no suprise as it's the challenge right!!). We had to write a 2 minute long speech with no notes. And so I did and I'm proud. I chose the theme of challenge.

Here it is so take note.


Who wants to be normal, when it's much more fun being the crazy person everyone remembers?

I sure as he'll don't. I'm tired of being pushed to fit into the silhouette of society. There are a few things I know for sure. 

•1. I will never be a size 6
•2. I will not give up Starbucks
•3. I will never have the "perfect family"
•4. But what I do know is that I don't CARE!!

Over the course of this week I have met amazing, unique and extraordinary people. Which I am sure the majority will be friends for life. Initially I had one aim.

An aim to try everything. "Challenge myself". And so I did. But over the course of that week my priorities changed. I didn't want to challenge myself. I wanted to challenge others. I've realised I was just a microcosm, I had to open my eyes to see the bigger picture. When I look back my initial thoughts weren't " yaaaay I climbed a BLOODY MOUNTAIN" it was rather " so yeah I saved Charlotte 5 times" and laughing with people at the BACK. Yes this might make me look weak but I from stronger than ever receiving thankful smiles. 

So quoting a book close to my heart. "We all have our little infinities, some infinities greater than others". So live the moment, don't look back, if you do, you sure better be pulling someone up. 

So challenge yourself and others. Remember. We don't choose where we come from but we sure as hell can choose where we go from here.

So take note, 

Friday, 18 April 2014

The Lentern Sacrifice by yours truely

Every year systematically millions of people give up something for LENT. To begin, for those who have been living under a rock or if your name is Lauren Dwyer-Smith, LENT is a period of time in the Christian church year. 
The dictionary´s definition:

(in the Christian religion) an annual season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter, beginning on Ash Wednesday and lasting 40 weekdays to Easter, observed by Roman Catholic, Anglican, and certain other churches.

SOOO..Basically, the main man JC went out in the desert for 40 days and nights, on just bread and water. He was tested multiple times by the devil and so on and so on. As a result, it´s ment to teach you humility, service and putting others before yourself. Hence back to 2014; the millions decide to give up sweets and junk food primarily, not for the man JC but for the waistline or ´lack of it´. It is almost certain that over 75% give up just after a few ´straining´ days.
  They are tempted by the Lindt chocolates on offer during this Eater period, those EXTRA chewing gums and Creme Eggs. Yet now onto my point.  Why do people commit? Why does everyone follow this ´tradition´ I might even allow myself to call it. I have for once decided to ´COMMIT´?  and give up one thing this lent and have vowed to keep it this time. So when deciding on what to give up, what to LET GO *play frozen song* I had remembered all the uprising alligations.*you can stop the frozen song now* Of course. EVERYONE (and this certainly no exaggeration) believes I´m ADDICTED to Starbucks. NONSENSE!! Now hey I think "addicted" is a strong term. Sure I love a good Starbucks but this is no addiction. I swear I can stop at any time. WAIT!WAIT!WAIT! I know that that is something an ´addict´would say but really..I´m here to prove you wrong. Therefore I´ve given it up for lent.
It´s currently been 40 or so days.
What you sayin´??? I´m still going though...bare in mind I haven´t even entered a starbucks.. i have sat outside one though whilst my BLISSFULLY AWARE mates drank in front of me...Gotta love ´em though

SO...you think you can challenge me??

Get yourself a cuppa... yours Nicky :) 


Thursday, 12 December 2013

Christmas 2013?

Firstly, I would like to make one thing clear. As a child, only three words could crush a child's heart and hopes. SANTA DOESN'T EXIST. Hence to clarify, their idol was actually no other than St.Nicholas...hence the REAL colour of Christmas isn't RED but GREEN..just saying..well, typing.
Once again our tutor, the P.E. teacher that he is, "attempts" (which I appreciate) to be a proper tutor; organising he annual 'not so SECRET SANTA' . Me picking KYLE coincidentally, but that wasn't it, my other annoying POLSKI teacher did it too. THANKFULLY I GOT ALEX ;) Though the people that get me are honestly SO BAD at keeping secrets...MAKDA and ZUZANNA. Judging by the two I am honestly scared to know what abstract things I can possibly receive. 
Anyway, my oh so considerate family have decided to go to POLAND this Christmas..-plays polish anthem-  ...and take me with them. -_- ..-end of anthem- Maybe if for once they listened to me, just once in a while, they would know I have plans.
Buuuuuut...they are POLISH..so what can I say. I know for certain that BOREDOM will strike! And unfortunately I won't have any friends there...just cows, dogs and whatever is found in the cold, polish countryside during winter. YAAY!! -_- 

Sarcasm at it's finest..


Saturday, 7 December 2013

The not so sweet sixteenth!

So...yeah...the big day has come. Saturday 14th September 2013. Days before, the stereotypical MTV moments flashed through my mind. "My sweet sixteenth", the term which according to America meant huge parties which included people like; the populars, the nerds, the inbetweeners, people you don't know yet 'celebrate' with you. But where do I lie on this scale?
I'm not only lost in society; but lost in myself. I'm confused and drowning in my weird, mixed feelings and emotions. A time which is meant to be the best of my life, is slowly slipping away. I'm stuck in between who people want me to be, who I want to be and who I really am. I've turned 16 and no difference has been made to my not so fully satisfying life. They wouldn't remember if not for the thankful FACEBOOK notifications. The 'Happy Birthdays' typed without a shadow of thought. You'd think that it would all change on this memorable day. Hoping for a miracle, one wish comes across my blissfully unaware mind every year when blowing out the increasing number of candles. But I won't tell you as apparently it's 'BAD LUCK' not that I've had any good luck anyway. The brain washed generation hoping for the pavements to be paved with GOLD. The AMERICAN DREAM, I can suggest recalling my recent English essay; OF MICE AND MEN. Maybe like Lennie and Crooks, I'm lost and longing to be socially accepted. Or like Curley's wife just longing for attention...either way both Lennie and the anonymous Curley's wife DIE. Some would agree they die achieving their dreams but did they really?
Back to the point, I would convince people not to raise their standards and expectations too high. Sixteen is just a number. A number which Will change annually.  And as I am increasing in age and not in height, I'm certainly convinced, I won't be on MTV's "my super sweet sixteen". As I am just a microcosm of the billions of teenagers who look to be accepted.

Don't get your hopes up.


The sixteen year old, who's exploring the wonders of the world and her place in it.
PEACE..Nicky ;)

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